Spilling the Tea: How Poolside Gossip Can Be A Good Thing

By Paula D. Atkinson, LICSW, LCSW

Slim Aarons may have been onto something with his iconic Palm Springs Poolside Gossip photograph, which captures a world where social interaction and casual gossip were seamlessly woven into everyday life. Gossip often gets a bad rap, but it's a natural aspect of social life. Whether spilling the tea, dishing the dirt, or spreading rumors, gossip is how we share updates, build connections, and navigate our social circles.

Palm Springs, California, has been a hot spot for connecting and sharing gossip for many years. From the golden era of Hollywood, when stars like Peggy Lee, Greta Garbo and Marilyn Monroe socialized at private poolside estates, to today, women continue to vacation in Palm Springs with their female friends for bachelorette parties, reunions, and various celebrations where idle chitchat is shared, and dirty laundry is aired.

Television. Telephone. Tell A Friend.

In a way, gossip helps us stay tuned into the dynamics around us and understand the behavior of those we interact with. It's a great way to validate experiences. While gossip can sometimes lead to drama or misinformation, it strengthens our social bonds and keeps us informed about what's happening in our communities.

 Idle Chit Chat: A Forbidden Sin

About a year ago, during the spooky season, I got hooked on a podcast about the history of witches. That led me to dive into a book and then another, all exploring the concept of "the witch" through the ages. I learned a lot, but what stopped me in my tracks was discovering that the root of the word "gossip" comes from the late Old English term "godsibb," meaning "God-sibling" or "a person related to one in God." Initially, it referred to a close friend or someone you gossiped with. The term was mainly used to refer to a woman's female friends invited to be present at a birth.

Gossip, defined as idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private lives of others, is categorized as a sin in some scriptures and is largely frowned upon by society. As more and more women have become empowered to explore topics that were once considered off-limits, I've started to question who benefits from our silence about others' personal lives.

Intrigued, I decided to explore further. In the 12th century, medieval churches viewed gossip as morally neutral and didn't label it sinful. Some researchers even suggest that gossip has ancient roots, tracing back to our ape ancestors, who used social interactions to bond and strengthen their groups.

So, When Did We Decide Gossip Was Bad?

Gossip eventually became linked predominantly with women in the late 1500s. As patriarchal structures strengthened, women's gatherings increasingly threatened these power dynamics.

It was soon deemed unacceptable for women to be seen chatting with each other in public, often resulting in accusations of witchcraft. In some men's eyes, women's friendships were seen as a threat, with gossip playing a crucial role in forming and maintaining connections. Some men of the time believed that when women shared experiences and information—especially about dangerous or predatory men—it threatened their ability to maintain power. Female friendships were seen as too powerful, leading to widespread accusations that these groups of friends were "witch cults."

It made men so uncomfortable that in 1547, England proclamation was issued to quell the "gossip and babble of women." Once the act of sharing experiences was labeled a sin by those in power, women were forbidden from connecting, sharing, and potentially protecting one another. This stripped woman of their ability to safeguard themselves and solidified men's control over the flow of information.

In the mid-1600s, Shakespeare labeled gossipy women as 'newsmongers' and 'tattlers' with trivial characters in his play The Merchant of Venice, depicting the female characters as more devious and meddlesome as they spied on their husbands. Thus, the notion of gossip as a sin emerged, and the power of connection as prevention was effectively abolished.

How Hollywood Dishes the Dirt

Over the years, several iconic Hollywood television shows and daytime Soap Operas have explored the theme of gossip, often blending drama, comedy, and intrigue. Classic shows like Dynasty, Dallas, The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, Scandal, and Desperate Housewives (to name a few) use gossip to create fascination, develop characters, and drive plot twists.

 Certain gossip-worthy storylines seem to be immortal. Who can forget the never-ending mean-girl drama between Alexis Carrington and Crystal Carrington on Dynasty? Or Marlena Evans being possessed by the Devil on The Young and The Restless? And did we ever find out who killed JR on Dallas?

Sex and The City offers a more modern view of gossip. With its blend of humor and drama, the show explores romantic entanglements and highlights the gossip that often surrounds the characters' lives, reflecting the vibrant social scene of New York City. The characters' candid conversations and playful banter capture the essence of friendship, showcasing how gossip can bond and complicate relationships.

Gossip Girl, which aired from 2007 to 2012, quickly became a cultural phenomenon among younger audiences, especially high school and college students. Set in New York City's Upper East Side, the anonymous "Gossip Girl" blog reveals the characters' secrets, scandals, and juicy details, driving the plot and impacting relationships. The movie Mean Girls further puts gossip to the test, empowering the main characters to work through their issues and persevere obstacles comedically.

Reality TV shows on Bravo, such as The Real Housewives franchise, use gossip as a major component. The reality shows frequently showcase conflicts, rumors, and personal revelations among cast members. Gossip fuels the drama, whether through dinner parties where tables are being tossed or casual conversations turned into dramatic confrontations. Gossip keeps the storylines engaging so audience members keep tuning in. The Real Housewives franchise has also sparked several YouTube and TikTok creators to dish on reality shows and celebrity tea, keeping things hot and spicey for fans.

How the Backchannel Keeps Fans Hooked

In a recent Huffington Post article, a reality TV editor states, “We've all been instructed by executives to amp up drama — cheat this, make her say that at this moment, make that argument look more epic." The secret behind the allure of reality television is that unscripted shows like the "Real Housewives" franchise,"90 Day Fiancé" and “Keeping Up with The Kardashians,” are, in fact, often scripted. Screenwriters, television producers, and editors are the ones who keep the tea brewing, hooking our dopamine receptors on our favorite television shows.

For television shows like “Sex and the City," the formula appeared to involve writing from a gay male perspective while casting straight female leads. Its creator, Darren Star, developed one of television's most iconic series in history featuring consecutive characters. The glamorous lives of the central characters revolve around sex, shopping, gossip, and risqué humor.

Gossip Can Be A Good Thing

"Oh my gosh, me too. I thought I was the only one." These are often the first words exchanged at the start of a new friendship. In today's world, labeling all sharing of information about others as sinful or wrong is a significant overgeneralization. Just as in the 1500s, prohibiting gossip stifles connection, friendship, and community—things that thrive on sharing personal experiences.

As a psychotherapist, I'm confident that many of my sessions with clients can be considered as a form of gossip. I've seen clients hesitate to share details about a partner's abuse or a parent's neglect, reprimanding themselves for "gossiping." Much like a television producer, if we find ourselves editing our words to appear "good" or sinless, it's worth asking who we're protecting. Avoiding the sharing of painful or emotional experiences can lead to isolation, especially for those in marginalized groups. Labeling all discussions about the personal or private matters of others as gossip overlooks the complexity and nuances of our relationships. It ignores that we share information to prevent harm, connect deeply with someone who can relate to our experiences, or just spilling juicy tidbits for fun.  It's important to be honest with ourselves, we are complex humans, and we can know these differences.

The Truth of the Matter Is, We Love Gossip.

We can trust ourselves when it's best to hold our tongue. We can feel when it's most loving to abstain from sharing information that the hearer does not need to know. While some people may still see gossip as a sinful and selfish act, others may ultimately deem it a harmless form of communication or a way to share information. I trust us all to be kind and respect the importance of responsible communication. At least today, if you decide to partake in a gossip sesh by the pool, rest assured you won't be burned at the stake.

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 About the Author:

Paula D. Atkinson 

Is a queer, desert witch and liberation-focused psychotherapist dedicated to body justice. With years of experience addressing disordered eating, body image issues, and exercise compulsion, she takes a weight-neutral, anti-diet approach, treating clients of all sizes and identities. A second-generation yoga teacher and psychic healer, Paula has taught at George Washington University and trains professionals to promote less harmful practices in a thin-obsessed world. Now residing in Palm Springs with her partner and two chihuahuas, she embraces the desert's vibrant energy. Checkout her podcast “What If Nothings Wrong With You?”